100 Days 2010.09 Christian

Please view my inspiration piece at:
http://johntimmons.com/video/archives/62


Christian

Blue-tinged fear, an empty hotel room floor
Only the night before you kissed me on the beach
The Costa Rican night alive with waves and wind and desire,
First kiss, forbidden kiss, the rules of the trip were very clear

Earlier that day behind a palm tree, while the rest of the group was
In the ocean your hand opened me up to worlds
I never could have imagined at 17, even if I had wanted to
But that night, that blue-black night, you changed my life forever

No, stop, I can't; but I was young and you were strong and
You entered me like a hot knife through soft butter my brain
Knew it was wrong but my traitorous body welcomed you
I screamed and cried and then lay still until it was finally over

The next morning you came to say good bye to the group and the reverend
And his wife. You want last picture? you asked in your terrible English
(My Spanish was better) And I thought maybe I had dreamed it all, the cold
Tile on my bare bottom, the sharp pain of entry, the shame, the guilt,
Did I imagine it all?

My seventeen year old brain could not find the words to tell the reverend's wife
I had just been kissed, and now I had to fit this new ugly word into the
Narrative of my short, tortured life. I cried when I told her, but she did
Not understand and mistook my tears for shame at breaking the
Rules, and I could not say the ugly word, it would not leave my throat

She forgave me my trespasses and the next night we went home
Another 17 years of my life has passed and now I can say:
I kissed a man named Christian on a beach in Costa Rica
And I wanted to tell everyone, the next night he raped me
And I couldn't tell anyone. That is my old life, my other life,
My life before this newborn narrative, born from blue-black fragments of
My former life